Monty Moles
by omnifreak
Summary: Ya' know the moles from Super Mario World...they're evil...and they frighten me...


**__**

Monty Moles

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario or any of his freakish counter-parts (of which there are many).

Many of us have encountered groundhogs, prairie dogs and moles and such. We don't think much of them. Why should we? They're pretty much harmless (unless, of course, they have fleas which carry the plague, but let's not get into that). They're just these cute little creatures that pop up out of the ground every once in a while. Some people keep them as pets. But these little creatures aren't always what they seem. A friend of mine, who's name as been changed to protect him (we'll call him Oiram) and his brother, Igiul have endured many hardships as a result of these horrifying little pygmy creatures. This, my friend, is their story…

Oiram: OH NO! Bowser took-a the princess again!

Igiul: Well, I suppose-a we better go after her ah?

Oiram: Of course, no one takes-a the princess while Oiram is bangin' 'er!

Igiul: You're not-a bangin' her! I'm-a bangin' the princess!

Oiram: The hell you are!

Igiul: No! The hell YOU are!

Oiram: NO! The hell YOU are!

Igiul: Nuh-uh!

Oiram: Uh-huh!

Igiul: Nuh-uh!

**This goes on for quite a few hours, so we're just going to skip it**

Oiram: Let's-a go!

Igiul: But-a Mario, we can't-a just walk up to Bowser and-a say, "gimme the princess back!"

Oiram: Oh no! You're right! First we must-a get past the Moles!

Igiul: NO!! NO!! ANYTHING BUT-A THE MOLES!

Oiram: We must fight the moles!

Igiul: No-ho-ho-ho…!

Oiram: (loses Italian accent) Quit'cher goddamn cryin' you little pansy! 

Igiul: BITE ME, ASSHOLE!!!

**Suddenly a mysterious, brown creature mysteriously pops out of the mysteriously mysterious ground**

Mysterious, Brown Creature: Why hello! You two seem to be having some issues! Are you in need of a psychologist?

Igiul: Well my brother, here, keeps treating me like I'm just a…*begins to sob*..just a big *sniff* baby!

Oiram: He's lying!! It's not true! Don't listen to him!

Mysterious, Brown Creature: CALL ME MONTY! Monty Mole, at your service! But I need to hear both sides of the story, Oiram; don't be selfish.

Oiram: What can you do to help us?

Monty: Well…uh…nothing yet. But I know someone that can help!

Igiul: I'm leaving. This is stupid. 

Monty: NO! Um…just bring me some gum, lots of pipe cleaners, a teddy bear, a small mouse, a speaker-phone, some toe-nail clippings, a donut full of something I'll not mention…etc

**He gives the duo a list of about 394876329180476 things to get so, because I'm lazy, I'll not name them all; that'd be insane.**

**The pair walks away with a 12-mile-long list of goodies to find**

Oiram: I know I've seen that face somewhere before.

Igiul: Me too…but where?

**After a few years, the brothers find all of the shtuff**

Monty: What took you so long?

Oiram: Well, it was a relatively long list. But I think I figured out why you made us get it all. 

Monty: And why might that be?

Igiul: Well, you just wanted us to be together and learn to get along! (gilg needs a life)

Monty: Just gimme the stuff!

**The stupid plumbers…er…door-to-door salesmen…hand over all the stuff**

**Given just a few minutes, Monty Mole fashioned a crazy looking' bellyboard and called 1928375901283768093124769083246798034769835698032769347631746137846590813746908713469087134098671029384671908246701982475698124756908123745689132746908172346908172346907 friends of his**

Oiram: I KNEW I RECOGNIZED HIM!!!

Igiul: I remember you! You're that cheap prostitute I met in Jersey!

Monty: Er…um…*shudder*

Oiram: That's not what I was thinking of, moron! I was thinking about the fact that they're gonna come zooming after us on bellyboards while funny banjo music plays! We're going to die!

Monty: That's right! I'll run you down before you can say I'm that cheap prostitute Igiul met in Jersey!

Igiul: Oh no wait…I'm thinking of someone else…

Monty: DRAT! Er…anyway, we're going to run you down really…fast…

Oiram: Igiul, do you remember that game we played for that old piece of shit system, the super gaytendo or whatever?

Igiul: THE MOLES SCARED ME!!!

Oiram: Same concept here.

Igiul: MOTHER FUCKING HELL!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The freakish belly boarding moles rolled after our heroes with amazing speed. Igiul and Oiram were chases across rivers, streams, oceans, deserts and rainforests until finally…THE MOLES HIT THEM!!! Instantly, they both shrank to one quarter of their original size and were able to fit through a very small hole on the beach they were on. The moles were conveniently stupid enough to forget that they were really into digging and living in holes and such, so the brothers escaped their evil grasp. But the head mole was quite furious. He jumped into the air and pounded the ground a whole lot with his ass. This caused and earthquake similar to the Chubbykins Quake of '45. But much larger. The seas parted and the land cracked…

But it didn't matter because it all came back together and most of the world didn't know the better. The brothers escaped, but, to this day, the moles are looking for them.

Monty: I will get you two…I WILL! YOU'RE MINE, MARIO AND LUIGI!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Shit, I didn't bleep the names out…damn. **DRAGNET music plays (btw, I don't own DRAGNET).** The story you have just heard is true. The names were changed to protect the innocent. And um…I don't remember the rest but you get the idea…I hope. If the story wasn't funny, it's because my creativity was being impaired by someone we'll call @@Hsemaglig@@.


End file.
